It was suggested that I use today to put out my “Rules for Being a Human” list. I thought about it for a minute and figured: I’m leaving town this week and have only 40 pages of revision left on my manuscript, there are strange men in my basement listening to Toby Keith and pouring concrete, and it’s raining, so why not?
Everyone please shut up and pay attention. These are super important rules you all need to live by. And by “super important” I totes mean “moderately mundane”, but they’ll make my life so much more enjoyable so I’d appreciate it if you take heed.
Rule #1: learn to use “heed” in a sentence.
Kidding. The actual rule to #1 is: don’t be a dick. I am sure you assumed the first rule would have been something like “don’t murder people,” which is also pretty important, but when you break one of the commandments you’re pretty much acting like a dick. If you just do your best to be a nice person, then we can avoid a lot of the major issues like stabbing, running someone over with your Oldsmobile, and overly taking advantage of a store employee’s discount.
Exceptions to this rule are anyone with the name Richard. By all means, you may act like a Dick, because that’s just like, who you are, man.
Rule #2: Don’t come to work sick.
For the love of grilled cheese made with bacon, tomato, and avocado on sourdough bread (oh God, I like for real need one of these now), if you have a fever, an uncontrollable amount of mucus spewing from your nose, or are unable to plug up either orifice of your body, then STAY HOME. I get it we can’t always make this possible. Gotta make dat paper and pay da billz. But at least, if you have to come to work, then don’t contribute to the office potluck lunch or volunteer for Bagel Wednesday. I’ll never understand it when a cube-mate comes to work and loudly proclaims, “oh man, I threw up FOUR times this morning. I think I have Ebola.” I won’t hand out sympathy. I’ll promptly ask why you hate me so much.
Rule #3: Wash your hands after going potty.
We will all judge you, and if you commit this crime against humanity at work, then prepare to be known as “Sally, the no-wash lady.” You only have yourself to blame. And no, running your hands under the water for 3 seconds does not count. Sub rule to washing hands – don’t piss on the seat, and wipe it up if you do. We all make mistakes. Smart people clean up their mistakes before I see them.
Rule #4: STAY OUT OF THE LEFT LANE!
Generally I’d just say to only use the left lane for passing, but this has apparently become too difficult for most humans to understand so I’m advancing the rule and declaring that no one is allowed in the left lane anymore. None. Nada. Not your mom, grandma, brother, aunt or uncle. Ambulances…maybe, but only if you’re sure it’s an emergency and not someone who just has really bad gas.
Exceptions to this rule are: Me. I’m the only one allowed to drive in the left lane. K thx BAI.
Rule #5: Eat a cookie once in a while.
Look, you don’t have to eat one every day. I get it, sugar is bad and carbs are the spawn of evil, but can we all just be sups real for one sec? SUGAR AND CARBS ARE LIKE DELICIOUS DROPS OF ANGEL TEARS. We shouldn’t deprive our bodies of them 100%. Live a little. I can guarantee that indulging in a cookie every now and then will severely improve your chances to avoid breaking rule #1.
Rule #6: No Spoiler Alerts.
No one has live TV anymore. In fact, no one really has TVs. What we do have are really large computer monitors nailed to our walls where we steal kindly use our dad/sister/grandma/third cousin’s cable service passwords with permission to stream our favorite shows without commercials. If you post results to tonight’s Bachelorette episode before waiting like…a minimum of three days, then I will hunt you down, steal the last rose, and beat you with its thorny stem. This is your only warning.
Rule #7: Don’t park like an asshole.
The yellow/white or whatever color lines painted on the concrete are not suggestions. In fact, I’m working on a patent for a device that detects when you’ve parked like a jackass and it will fire microscopic darts at your precious vehicle to make it implode. Everyone is anxious to take advantage of the huge sale at Big Lots. You are not a special snowflake. Make room for everyone, please.
Rule #8: Don’t eat the last of the ice cream.
This one is pretty much for my husband. If you eat the last of the ice cream, there will be consequences, and if you finish it off during that particular week then you’re just asking to die early. Eat it, replace it. That’s my rule. And don’t get cute and buy that shit that comes in a petite cardboard box and act like it’s the same thing. Quantity and quality are very important here. Same rules apply for toilet paper.
Rule #9: Learn the proper usage of You’re and Your.
Your = possessive. I.E. “Your box of dogs are in my way.”
You’re = contraction of You Are. I.E. “You’re an idiot.”
People also need to stop using the word “basically”. The dictionary is pretty big y’all, use it.
Rule #10: Learn to notice sarcasm when it’s right in your face.
This is not difficult to master. It’s the easiest, most life-saving skill you can develop. A lot of undeserved anger and time could be saved if we all learned to park between the lines, drove 85mph, restocked the freezer, and stayed home when we were sick. These are not hard things to do when it comes to being a human. All I’m asking is you quit acting like a jerk and eat a cookie.
– S.A. Dees